The past few weeks, i have had this burden on my heart. With the impending end of uni, this huge weight of whether i'll be able to get a job here lies heavily upon my heart. Yes, i would want to work in Australia, purely on the grounds to have the experience of working in an overseas country. My heart at the end of the day is to return to where i was conceived, my homeland Malaysia. Coursemates have been getting calls and going for interviews while no one seemed to have responded to my resumes. And yea, been feeling down. Its not a nice feeling to be 'left out'. Haha.
This morning I woke up praying, asking God just for that one thing to motivate me again to push on. For that one thing. Lo and behold, in His mercy, He gave me that.
Just got a call from a pharmacy to go in tomorrow for an interview and boy, am i ecstatic. I don't care whether i get the job or not but right now, i just want to enjoy this feeling for the moment and go back to praying and asking Him for directions.
I have been faced with failures and various incidents in the past 2 yrs that i've sort of lost my self-confidence. It's true that at the end of the day, i want to be purely confident in Him (maybe He's teaching me that....). Like i always thought the problem with me is that i cannot keep focus on one thing but various things have suggested otherwise. I thought i don't have discipline but i have seen discipline expressed in various forms in me. Just not the same way it's expressed in other people. I did things that people suggested or followed other peoples example and tried as i much, it just didnt work. The end result was always the same. This morning I was just pouring that frustration out to Him and said, 'Lord, you know me the best. You created me. You know me better than I know myself. Amen'
Even with the Pharmacy profession. I STILL have my doubts about whether is this the right one for me. I'm not FULLY enjoying what i study, there are moments of ups and downs and i really don't see myself doing this long term(then again, i haven't fully experienced what this profession is to offer, i'm probably only at the tip of the iceberg..so who knowss...) But today again, i thank God that He spoke to me through a certain lecturer during my tut. To start it, i got a good rating from the counselling session we had. (Our tutorials are basically like acting classes now, we take turns acting as pharmacists while the lecturers/tutors/pharmacists are our patients). Mind you, i usually get borderline ratings but today, i had a bit better. I was so used to getting borderline ratings that i thought hey, maybe thats who I'm going to be, a borderline pharmacist.haha. But todays rating made me realised that hey, i actually can counsel somebody. The lecturer i had today went on talking about how he knew of some pharmacists who gave up the thought of spending less time with patients just so that they have more patients which of course meant more profit to actually spend more time with patients. He trained his staffs to do all the dispensing so that he need not have to dispense AT ALL and had the time to just talk to his patients. He went on making more money as his patients liked him so much.
That excites me..spending time with people and i'm thinking hey, i could actually enjoy this. This whole pharmacy thing could be a means to an end. Like hey, give out a tract to every Panadol sold. haha.
I've come to learn and experienced that God will work when there is a total surrender of one self and i am reminded again that it is the Person i should seek and not what He can do.
Long term, i would most probably pursue this crazy idea of doing full time or mission work but i want to be a tentmaker, like Paul. So right now, i'm just going to pick up where i left and pushed on this journey of self-discovery and more importantly, discovering more about Him, my First Love.
Thank You, Love
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